Divorce and Remarriage

When divorce first was brought about it was a lot harder to do.  Someone had to have done something really terrible in order for you to even be considered to be allowed to get a divorce.  It was a long painful process to go through and very few people were able to get one.  Thinking that we could make it easier on the parents and adults they started the no fault divorce where you can basically get a divorce just because you want one, you don't need any reason.  Before the parent who was the "good guy" was the one who would get the custody of the children, but when the no fault divorce was passed there was no longer a good and bad guy.  Now instead of it being hard on the adults to get a divorce, the burden has been passed to the children because they are now split between two different families, most of the time blaming themselves for the divorce of their parents.  A lot of divorces happen because of money, although once you get a divorce the financial situation worsens because they are now paying for two homes, two cars instead of the one.  Fathers have to move at an average of 400 miles away in order to get a better job to help pay.  A lot of times the mother gets the custody of the children and has to get a job to pay for everything.  When the children go to visit their dad he usually tends to "spoil" them.  This isn't necessarily because he is trying to win the affection of his children turning it into a contest between the two parents, but because he is trying to make up for lost time because he isn't around and so he wants to just have fun with them.  This can create a false image for the children, making them believe that their dad is the fun one and that they don't need to work, they can just play all the time.  Also a lot of times fathers don't realize how much their family needs them.  Studies have found that 70% of couples that said they were very dissatisfied with their marriage would later say they were very or mostly satisfied with their marriage after 5 years.  They also found that 70% of those who divorced say they wish they didn't get divorced and that they wish they would have stayed together.

Studies have found that people who remarry after a divorce are more likely to divorce again.  It is never an easy thing to try to create a new family with the old one never really gone.  A lot of times when a child's parent remarries the new parent feels the need to discipline, while the biological parent then feels the need to protect their children because they love them.  If the two parents don't communicate what is going on with each other they will continue to struggle and the situation will continue to worsen.  It is suggested that the new parent should take more of an aunt or uncle roll for about two years letting the biological parent do the main disciplining (being respective of the other parent of course), and then after the two years they should take more of a parental role. 

Also sometimes people will start drinking because that is their way of coping with the stress (instead of communicating their problems with each other) then their drinking becomes the blaming source for their marital problems, even though they were there before they started drinking.

Parenting

When you are a parent it always has an impact on your marriage.  A parenting lifestyle can drastically change a non-parenting lifestyle. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe that the purpose of parenting is to help our children to become like God.  When you parent you should focus on what they do well and be sure to acknowledge that you appreciate them for doing it.  Also as a parent you should focus more on what the child needs and they will be more likely to have good behavior.  As human beings it is in our nature to need any kind of contact from another person.  Even those who don't get positive attention so they try to get attention at all even if it is negative, will never get enough to fill them.  Your body knows what you need and will seek what it needs even if you don't recognize that you are doing it. 

Children should be taught to contribute which will help them to feel like they belong and to offer contact freely.  If children don't feel like they have any personal power they will revert to rebellion, or controlling others, although it will never fill their needs.  To help with this we need to encourage responsibility (which can help with more than just this), and allow them to have choices to help them feel responsible (age and situation appropriate).  Allow them to experience the consequence of their decision.  The consequences that will come naturally should be the ones used most often and the only times you should intervene is when the consequence is too dangerous, are too far off into the future, or if others are effected by their decision.  Starting first with a polite request is the best way to discipline.  If that doesn't work then "I messages" should be used, after that a strong message, followed by a logical consequence (meaning one that relates to what you are punishing them for).  A punishment or reward is something we use to control, where discipline is when we are teaching.  If children want to buy something on their own a way you can do it so that you can still have a little control over it is to be sure to set limits on it before they buy it so that they know the rules ahead of time, as they follow them you can allow them more and more freedom.

Check out Dick Van Patten's videos on parenting teenagers.

Work and Finances

Today we are seeing that men do not work as much as women.  One of the reasons why women might choose to work could be because they get recognition where as, when they are taking care of children and cleaning the house all day they usually don't get any recognition.  Another reason is that at work they get recompense or some sort of reward (money), while when they are at home with the children it is harder to feel like they are getting anything out of it.  Also some might believe that it is a waste to get rid of all the hard work you did to earn your degree so that you just stay at home and be a mom, they are just settling because they are "just a mom".  Other reasons could be that they feel a sense of accomplishment when they go to work or that it is a "break" from being a mom, or even that they aren't progressing because they don't feel like they are learning anything new.  What most people don't realize though is that you will learn more from your children then you learned from our parents or even your education.  Although, having an education and continuing to learn will help you be a better parent.

Men learn and connect best when they work shoulder to shoulder with someone.  Families should be encouraged to work alongside their spouse and children.  Families used to all take part in the work that was done because it was needed.  When you aren't contributing to the family or anything, you will have lower self-esteem and won't feel like part of the group.  When you only bond with family through play, it isn't nearly as helpful as the bond you get when you work together because when you are playing it is competitive and focusing on yourself, when you are working it is working as a group for a common cause and you are serving one another.  Also when you are doing work such as washing the dishes it doesn't take a whole lot of thinking so you are more likely to talk with those around you.  Work such as growing a garden with your family can be beneficial because you are working together and it helps them to eat healthier, as well as saving money and everybody can contribute. 

When both parents work the money becomes his and her money instead of something you share, budgets should be made because it can help you to discuss with each other what you want most and to help to keep in check with each other.  The average couple has less income because of a second job, which a lot of couples don't realize.

Understanding Communication

When you are talking with someone 51% of what you are communicating is non-verbal, 35% is in your tone, while only 14% is in the words you use.  This can definitely impact how people may react to a text, letter, or email, because you are losing 86% of the conversation.  Yet our society continues to increase the amount they text through every generation.  You can hardly do anything even in person with people now without them bringing their phones out in the short amount of time you are with them.  When my husband and I invite people over to our home it is rare that they don't at some point bring out their phone and it is usually for a text.  I think that a lot of people would agree that if they called someone or answered a call, or even just went to talk to someone else while they were in the middle of a conversation with someone, that it would impolite, yet you are doing the same thing with a text because you are having a conversation with someone else who isn't even there (in most cases).  I know I still do a lot of my conversations through text, but now that I understand how much I miss I hope that I will try harder to at least make a call instead of conversing through a text. 

Family Under Stress

When people are under stress they resort back to what is familiar to them.  Knowing that makes me wonder about what I tend to do in stressful situations.  I don't like being stressed and normally I am pretty calm, but if I am ever stressed I tend to keep to myself while anything and everything bothers me.  That is just the way I have always done it and so even though I don't like that everything bothers me it is very hard to break that cycle because that is what is familiar to me.  I still remember when my parents would lecture me and I would just not say anything and everything they said I took as an attack on me. 

Usually when something causes stress to us a big factor can be that we have never experienced that kind of stress before and you're not sure how to handle it which creates the stress.  I know that I have experienced this in my life especially when I don't know anyone (especially someone who I am close with) who has experienced the same thing I have.  I have not seen or learned the appropriate way to react to what happened so I get stressed because I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  Understanding that this is one of the reasons that it stresses me out is a relief because sometimes it just feels good to know that this is normal.

A Special Note to Teenagers

Teenagers need to be informed by their parents about sex, not from friends or teachers.  So many parents and teachers now are just telling teens the different forms of protection.  Intercourse is so much more than just getting pregnant and having a baby though, which is all that different forms of birth control will "protect" you from.  It is a way to bond and get closer to your spouse, someone who loves and protects you.  Someone who has committed to be yours and only yours, and to be with you through everything you face.  With your spouse you become "one flesh", and if you have sex outside of marriage you will not experience that bonding completely.  Consider also how much better it is when there is only one person in the world that you have given yourself to, your whole self to, and when they have done the same for you.  It means so much more to you and to them if they know you can be trusted to keep that experience and love sacred between the two of you.  I know from my own experience how much more special and comforting it is that my husband and I have only shared this bond with each other and no one else.

Bonding Together

There are many who choose only to have one or two children.  When you have your first child it is hard because it can add to stress financially, and time-wise, as well as emotionally, mentally, and physically.  It is also something you have never experienced before and it is a lot of work.  At this point the wife is likely to have taken over in most of the responsibilities, leaving her husband behind and only really bonding with the child.  When baby number two comes around the wife is usually still trying to take care of all the responsibilities of being a parent by herself, and being able to get by.  This baby adds some more stress and again the husband can continue to take little to no part.  What people don't realize and understand is that when the third child comes into the picture, the family starts coming together.  The mom finds that she only has two hands and cannot handle a third child without help.  At this point a lot of times the husband will start to help and take part, as well as the other children.  This can really help in bonding a family together because everyone is providing help to one another and working together as a family.  Continuing on to have the third child can really change the dynamics of the family and how their family system works, the wife is now practically forced to allow others to help.  I know that in my family, I can remember multiple times when I helped in taking care of my siblings.  I can also remember my older siblings helping out as well.  I really do feel that we are close partly because of that reason, that there were seven of us and my mom and dad could not have done it alone, we all helped in changing diapers, feeding, and babysitting so that my parents could spend some time together. 

Another thing that people, especially women, should consider is that when you and your husband are pregnant it is meant to be something you share together.  Think about it, you couldn't have even gotten pregnant without him.  Instead of always complaining that you are in pain or that it is such a terrible thing, show him that it is exciting, help him to experience the excitement.  Help him to know that this baby is just as much a part of his life as they are in yours.  Let him help you and include him when you go to the doctor, he may seem uninterested, but if you continue to include him and the more he participates, the closer you, your husband, and the baby will come.  When it comes time for delivery it is best if it is just you him and the doctors in the room.  You need to make it clear to your family that this is your child and not let them feel like they can take over.  After you have the baby be sure to let him help in changing the diapers, feeding, getting the bathwater ready, and don't get upset if the water isn't as warm as you would have it.  Neither of you is perfect and you're both still learning, the better the experience and response that he gets the more likely they will want to help and be a part of raising the child which will help to ease a lot of the stress off of both of you.